Attachment Offers An Essential Safe Haven
Attachment offers an essential safe haven for people. This means that contact with our safe-others offers an innate survival mechanism. Our safe-others are also referred to as our attachment figures. They are typically our parents, children, spouses, lovers. The accessibility of these attachment figures provides comfort and security. Whereas the perceived inaccessibility of attachment figures creates distress.
Proximity to a loved one tranquilizes the nervous system which provides a key resource for being able to deal with the inevitable hardships of life. For people of all ages, these positive attachments offer a buffer against the effects of stress and uncertainty. So, the sting of the inevitable ups and downs of life is less. Knowing that we have this comfort available to us is a comfort in and of itself, which makes our evaluation of the dangers of life less extreme. Knowing that we always have our safe haven to comfort us if things go badly then affects our appraisal of the risks of life and leads to a more adventurous nature as we view the world as less threatening.
As children when our parents or caregivers provide this safe haven, it provides an optimal environment under which our personalities can develop and thrive. The responsiveness of others, especially when we are young, tunes the nervous system to be less sensitive to threat and creates expectations of a relatively safe and manageable world.
This emotional balance promotes the development of a grounded, positive and integrated sense of self and the ability to organize inner experiences into a coherent whole. This grounded sense of self also facilitates the congruent expression of needs to attachment figures; such expressions are likely to result in more successful bids for connection, which then continue to build positive models of close others as accessible sources of support.
For adult romantic couples having each other as a safe haven provides a safe and secure landing place which not only comforts the hurting heart but also provides a mechanism for deep connection and hence closeness. The person dealing with the challenges of life are no longer alone with those struggles. They experience a natural support which gives them an internal strength which shows up even when they are not with their partner because they know that they have this secure haven to reach to for refuge and for the calming of their nervous systems – the emotional regulation of ones nervous system.
References:
1. Attachment Theory in Practice: Emotionally Focused Therapy with Individuals, Couples and Families. Susan M. Johnson, 2019
2. The Practice of Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy: Creating Connection, Susan M. Johnson, 3rd Edition, 2020
